Countdown

Only about a week or so left in this rat hole.

I can think of 10 good reasons why I can't wait to get out of here.

10. Its THREE floors up. Without a lift. Thats 5 flights of stairs. Piece of cake? Well I'd really appreciate your help moving OUT.

9. The intercom breaks down intermittently. That means running down those 5 flights of stairs to let your friend in. And climbing up again, whilst listening to your friend moan about how far up it is. Again.

8. The ceiling is leaking, cracking and peeling. Nuff said.

7. There's effectively, no central heating. When its turned on, only the living room gets heated. The rest of us get left out. Grrr...

6. My room has a wonderful view of the circle and district line tube, accompanied by the regular sound of trains entering and leaving the station every 5mins.
POI: the last train is at 0030 and the first is at 0530.

5. Because of the train, the TV signal in the room is dreadful.The antenna has to be adjusted every 10min just to get rid of the sound of interference and static.

4. The shower has two settings. SUPER hot... or FREEEZING cold. And some days, if you're lucky, it randomly locks itself out, when the warm shower suddenly turns freakishly cold in 1 sec. Your housemates soon learn your characteristic howl, and save you by resetting the boiler.

3. The modem always breaks down just when you're having an important online conversation, and it goes nocturnal, and refuses to turn itself on in the morning. No it doesn't imitate its residents.

2. Those irritating discourteous selfish Malaysians downstairs always START making noise the minute I climb into bed to try to get a night's sleep. Can't those idiots just KEEP THEIR VOICES DOWN!!!

1. And the NUMBER ONE reason. The minute I do actually get to bed, I'm awakened at 4am in the morning. THIS time, by my inconsiderate neighbour who's holding a rave next door in his very own flat. And every single bass beat is transmitted through the paper thin walls.

I'm glad to be getting out of here soon. And I'm not just being whiny.

Welcome to London housing.
Teaches one alot about contentment.

Wating for a Testimony

"Hi my name is Eda. I'm a 3rd year medical student"

I hope I'll never have to say that again.

So tis done. 2 long hours, of much fun and games.
Not without any pain though. I think all of us are just semi-dead and hoping for miracles. Moderation pleaaaase.

And we all have great stories to tell. I give thanks for having Deji with me in the circuits. He reminded me about the fact that sometimes things go wrong. Things are never perfect.

He reminded me that through these experiences, we can have a testimony to bear witness to the fact that it was God who helped us pass, and not our own strength. I can rely on God. Even if I don't make it, I know He is still in control.

So I'll just wait till 22nd June. Oh and this feels familiar doesn't it.
*Recalls messy room entry last year.

Don't Give Up.

I'm republishing a post that I never got down to doing. But looking back. It was really His grace that carried me through such a rough year, and to Him be all the praise and glory =)

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I apologise for the frenzy of fear my last post caused. I'm doing fine. Writing is just an outlet to express my distress. Usually it sounds a whole lot worse than it really is. I will endeavour to make less angsty posts, no one really likes reading too many of them anyway. Heh.

God has graciously carried me through the bumps and stumbles I landed myself in. And although exams are close to 2 weeks away, I'm still doing fine. Albeit my headache never seems to want to go away. OSCE preps and EMQ worries aside, I've found it increasingly difficult to express myself. Its either i'm running away in denial about something, I'm losing my ability to write or the stress is unconsciously eating away at my communicative skills. Maybe all 3.

Despite all that, at least one thing stays constant. God's word and His comfort. Here's an interesting passage I read this past week.

"But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."
2 Peter 1:5-8

Prior to this passage, Peter starts of his letter by reminding his readers about the gift of life, and power to be godly(holy) which we have in Christ. With this power, and His promises, we are able to turn away from the lusts and evil of this world.

Yeah. power.
What power?

I don't feel particularly powerful when I hit a rutt. When I stumble back into my old ways, my selfishness and rebellion against God, when I refuse to surrender. I don't feel as if I can do what is holy, what is righteous, what pleases God.

I don't because I try to do it on my own.

And I know many who have. And what happens? They give up. A relation of mine once related why he gave up being a Christian in his uni days. "Because it was too hard to do the right thing all the time. I couldn't live up to it. There's no point continuing on, because I'd just be a hypocrite."

Its too hard.

You bet its hard. The greatest temptation we'd EVER face as a Christian, in following Christ, is to give up. And thats when we attempt to do it on our own strength, and forget that God knows that we'd definitely fail. We will give up. Look at what happened to the Israelites' attempt to obey God's law. They could never do it completely.

But Jesus could. He was the only one who could. And therein lies the power.

Backlash

Don't you get that feeling sometimes in your life?

When you've been building up and doing all the wrong things. Minor ones. Tiny ones. And they all end up crashing on you all at once.

I think I'm there.
Again.
It really is a horrible feeling.

When I realised that all the responsibility that was handed to me was not fulfilled. I get that alot.

I usually find out I'm there where every single thing goes wrong. And I have a hard time dealing with the repercussions. Like those times when you are heading straight towards a wall and yet you don't slow down. Eventually you hit the wall, and wish you could crawl into a hole and just stay there, and not have to deal with the consequences.

Maybe thats just me.
Escapist.

And I get myself into a tight spot because of my own laziness / stupidity. Mom calls it having lost sight of my priorities. It happens in an almost cyclical fashion.

Its just so much easier to run away from my mistakes than to face them straight on and deal with them. My unwillingness might just be a reflection of not trusting that God can and will get me through this, and in admitting that I things have gone sorely wrong because I have taken matters into my own hands instead.

This is one long hard lesson He is trying to teach me.

CV Sniffers

I'm not here to make my CV look good.

I just can't.
I didn't get to where I am because of my charm or influence.
I'm here because of God's grace despite my stupidity.

Strange that everything that I have been choosing to do all my life, has never been good enough to be reflected on black and white. Silly me.
No ECA marks scored.
No PEARLS points awarded.
No mention in a glowing CV.
Not counted in an F1 application.
Not of interest to future employers.
Not enough relevant information to fill the 15cm x 6cm blank.

UGH.

Part of me is frustrated with myself, for not being plotting and scheming enough to chalk up enough brownie points, to make myself look good to the world around me. I know some people who have been doing so since they were 12.

What do I have to prove?
Why do I need to prove it?
Who do I really need to prove it to?

Thinks: "If I can't prove it, then I won't get an opportunity to do something, which would potentially look nice on my CV, which would therefore help me get the next opportunity that rolls along...."
Which then gets me trapped in the dreadful cycle.

Its not like I am dying to be part of it, I hate it. And I would much rather NOT be in it. But how else can our shallow, impersonal, distant society judge people at a flash of an eye, instantaneously, and therefore determine their worth. Ok fine. Take the utilitarian side and say thats the only way we can use our resources well, don't be so idealistic eda, i'm sure you'd do fine making a cup of fine coffee for the arrogant CV bulking twat next door.

Ok we can be idealistic, and say, forget what other people say etc etc. Just do what you enjoy. You don't have to prove to anyone. Who am I kidding. With that attitude, how am I ever gonna surivive the big bad world out there? How am I gonna get ahead? How am I gonna get a job?

howhowhow?

I've decided then. I'll BE idealistic. I know that I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Because the ultimate judge who demands the proof in heaven, has already gotten it through Jesus. He is the only one who really cares about what I'm worth, and who determined my worth, by His death. The best thing? He is the ruler and creator of this cynical fallen world, and He is still in control of it. And for that, even if my CV ain't the bulkiest and glowiest around, I know that He's pulling the biggest strings in heaven to get me where HE wants. Which is infinitely better.

Thank God for that.

I can do that.... or not?

Maybe thats what reality TV does to us.

All of us begin to believe we have what it takes to be on tv, to be an actor/actress.
OK fine I admit. I was getting too full of myself. The lure of fame....

I abruptly fell back down to earth today. I finally re-experienced what REAL actors are like. And how good they can really be. None of this rubbish reality TV.

Oddly enough.
It was at a communication skills teaching session at St. Mary's.

But first, I should qualify that I am quite impressed with medical training at imperial. We were given an opportunity for small group training in communication skills. Before anyone starts slagging it off as an utter waste of time (which most of my arrogant coursemates do), I actually found it extremely useful. Probably those strange times when I really appreciate the "soft skills" that the medical school attempts to impart because of new GMC guidelines / medical school curriculum reviews.

They brought in professional actors as simulated patients. Professional actors. Those who lose themselves in their role. Those who morph into different creatures. And yet still remain utterly and completely believable. You forget who they introduced themselves as a minute ago. Its such an amazing talent. I think they're not given credit enough for their jobs.

I don't think I can do that anymore.
I'm losing touch with my theatrical roots.

Madagascar

I can't really come up with wisecracks now.

Half my brain power has been zapped.
Actually the fall was quite a good excuse.

The other half is trying to buckle down to work, whilst fleeing from the temptation to run out into the sunshine. Someone just commented about me being pasty white. Hmmz.

Meanwhile. Its a riot back home.

My shower has morphed into a slithering snake, which makes bathtime quite a feat. Each of us having emerged fighting the battle with scars and injuries, in the attempt to be squeaky clean. Its fun though I admit. Now I know why kids like to play with the garden hose.

Our living room has become a pigsty. Which doesn't say much for the inhabitants. Except I must say we are some very intelligent piggies.

I've adopted a pet sloth. Not like our household needed a clone of me. But this one cooks pretty well, and also speaks in some strange foreign tongue. Provides some form of entertainment I reckon.

And our modem has turned into a nocturnal creature. It needs the occasional kicks, whacks, and threats before it starts to function. Many a time my housemates had to restrain me from dropping it from a height.

As they say, "Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad. Somebody"