Superheros and Second Thoughts

I think I know how it feels to be a superhero.
Not that I have any inclination of making it my sovereign duty to save the world and protect it from evil wiles.

Its more bcause I know what it feels like to lead a double life. Almost.
And I'm not enjoying it one bit. I'd rather give up my superpowers (If I had any to begin with).

Its been 3 weeks into a 4 week "elected" elective in the local hospital. I just decided to take 4 weeks out of my loooong (final) summer holiday to see what it would be like working back in Singapore. Done completely aside from academic requirements, in hopes that it would better help me make my decision as to whether to return to SG or stay in UK for further training. I'm nowhere near to making that decision yet. But there have been things that I've been made to think about over these past 3 weeks.

One of which is how I've been a pseudo Jekyll and Hyde. And I'm not quite liking it.

I've never been quite comfortable in the hospital context. Maybe that takes a long while of getting used to. Some medical students handle it easier than others. Blame it on my hangups and insecurities, but I still feel like scum of the earth and a headless chicken in the hospital. Part of me wonders whether I was built for this at all. My personality changes in the hospital. And this became more evident when I had to return to work after a weekend camp for Imperial freshers from Singapore. After a hiatus of slipping into the crazy, confident, whacky, neurotic, loud and fun me; the minute I stepped into the ward, I morphed into the quiet, awkward, insecure and dumb ole me.

However, on reflection, those Jekyll and Hyde traits are ALL part of my personality. My crazy side is as much a part of me as my awkward side. It just seemed like I'd swung fron one extreme to another. But that really does make me who I am, the entire package (including the propensity to be extreme). But thinking about it, if my job causes me to consistently maintain that moody and depressed state, then maybe it isn't the right job for me. Maybe I should have chosen teaching.

But hasn't God given me this genuine interest in medicine? I don't see myself doing anything else. Why can't I be that very same enthusiastic, passionate, happy and neurotic person in the hospital as I am outside. I suppose I'm in the process of learning to develop my "work-self". But there should be consistencies shouldn't there? I reckon the hardest thing in life is to remain consistent in all our relationships, all aspects. That is, to act the same around everyone. Granted, we have different roles in our different relationships with people, mother, daughter, student, colleague, friend - but there has to be a thread of commonality and consistency that runs through it. Otherwise, we'd just end up being hypocrites.

I don't want to be such.