Coloured Crayons

Extended Hiatus

2010-03-14T19:02:00.002Z

Don't you experience such excitement when unearthing an old time capsule / treasure trove / a box of instant noodles you didn't realise you had hiding at the back of your closet? [why anyone would keep instant noodles at the back of their closet I don't know]

Feels a little like that when I rediscover my old blog hidden in the bowels of the internet.

Its not as if I had a dearth of thoughts throughout this time. I guess just the lack of energy to write them down. And perhaps the realisation that this is mainly a self gratifying (or stress releasing exercise) rather than for the entertainment of the greater good. [That just happens as an aside]

Currently?

Still thinking through "The Meaning of Life", as pondered over church this morning. It isn't as if I have any definitive answers. But I guess its one of those times in my life that I'm driven to re-evaluate what's around me and where it is I'm heading. You hit that time in your life where you wonder where all that ambition, driven, passion and dreams you once held had dissipated into.

And in fairness, all that really isn't that exciting to write about. So I shall just end here.

High School Musical

2007-01-04T18:38:00.000Z

I must say. Disney has really outdone itself this time!

After the good ole years of Mary Poppins (seriously) and the like... I have really been unimpressed by the standard of musicals they have been churning out.

OK. So I the songs from Beauty and the Beast have stuck in our heads.... and Under the Sea can drive us mad. They are catchy, but they aren't what I would call brilliance. Plus they are animation.

FINALLY

They are bringing back good ole musicals. Well done Disney.

Go catch amazing young talents sing and dance brilliantly. Amazing vision, mindblowing talents and brlliant choreography. Its good solid family entertainment. Something that I'll make my kids watch when they are growing up.

Apologies for not writing for so long. I have found a new creative muse. So hopefully the thoughts will flow more.... at least a while more ;)

Doing a cell signalling essay is like...

2006-10-31T09:16:00.000Z

Untangling a plate of spaghetti, and then separating the strands out into groups, according to shape, size and colour.

And then realising, that you are still in a mess.

=)

Run. Run. Runaway Run.

2006-09-12T13:19:00.000+01:00

I've been feeling unusually and exceptionally tired these few days. Don't know why. Especially since I don't have anything in particular to do. Probably because I've been running. Running from responsibilities. Running to sort things out. Runing away from sorting things out. Running from people.

When the only place I should be running towards is into His presence.

I've finally cleared up my backlog of emails I've been running from. Apologies to all those who have suffered as a result of my tardiness. I also had to face up to my timetable, and to stare at what lies ahead of me for the next 3 years.

It is absolutely terrifying.

I hadn't realised it. I don't even feel ready. Mentally or emotionally. For what is to come.

And it seems like its going to be a nonstop barrage of information to take onboard for the next 3 years. And I will have to work hard. Very hard. [I really don't normally. I just do enough to get by.] But it seems like I have to buckle down to exceptionally hard work.

Sigh.

And I haven't even solved my immediate problem of accomodation.

Talk about times when I have to rely on God fully for strength. I have no other way.

Hangover

2006-09-07T00:27:00.000+01:00

They say there's always a first for everything.

I have been truly humbled.
By the deceptive long island tea

Part of me always prided myself on the fact that I would NEVER puke. That I would know my limits.

That I had the power, mentally, to will away the effects of any drug. Alcohol included.

I know now that it isn't true. I'm not a superhuman. As much as I'd like to think I am in many ways. My fragile ego, and my body were hurt in last night's events. But for those precious few minutes before I knew I was gone, it was great. I had entered into that semi-hallucinatory state that people generally called "being high". But that didn't last too long last night, before I hit the pissed drunk "seh" stage. Trust me, the painful aftermath is too high a price to pay for such an intensity of high.

Part of me feels wracked with guilt. For having to let my friends see me that way. I think it was a sorry and rather comical sight for them to see me beating myself up.

But as always, it could have been worse without these same friends around to look out for me. Friends who endured the grotesque sight of me spilling my guts in more ways than one [now I know why they call it that!], who sat by me to hold my hair away when I puked, who held my hand when I couldn't walk, who tried to make silly conversation in an attempt to keep me sober and those who assured me that what was done in a club, stays in the club. It doesn't. I wonder if they were reminding me or just reassuring themselves when they said it ;)

Hey well, when people used to ask me the question, "Have you been drunk before?". I hesitate... and go... well... kinda, yes. But I didn't have a clue what I was on about. And I wished that it had stayed that way. But now I know how it feels like, I don't like it one bit.

I'll just never want to do this again.
I'll stick to single shots, and not be a superhero.

I'm sorry guys. I really am. I wish I could take it all back.

Wash Your Hands. PLEASE.

2006-09-04T16:50:00.000+01:00

Good gracious. I'm not ready for parenting. But I know some parents who definitely aren't.

Overhead in the toilet.

Mother rebuking daughter washing her hands at the sink, after having come out from the toilet.

"Girl arh... don't need to use soap larh! See larh... use soap take so long. Just use water can already!"

$%$^$%$%$!!@@$@!$

If I were feeling more brash. I'd have said.

"Aunty arh... Don't use soap and wash hands, you might as well stick your hand down the toilet bowl before flushing it."

But I was just so shocked that my only response was shooting the dirtiest look I possibly could to the ignorant nicompoop of a mother.

Seriously people.

I'm not being anal just because I'm a medical student.

But honestly, pleaaaase wash your hands WITH SOAP before coming out of the toilet. Don't just flick on a few sprays of water. It reaaaally is useless.

I don't understand why people don't wash with soap?

Is it...

a) the sheer inconvenience of pumping twice and then taking 20 extra seconds to make sure you're hands are not big bad bug traps? are you afraid your date might take off in that 20 extra seconds?

b) the psychological fear of people thinking you've just done a "big one" in a public place, and therefore not wanting to use soap?

c) the fact that people are so thick to believe in the antibacterial powers of tap water? There is fluoride, but no chlorine from our taps thankewverymuch.

I'm at a lost for words. Ugh.

Finally.

2006-09-01T17:35:00.000+01:00

I'm tired.
Its been a roller-coaster of a summer. Emotionally and physically. But I guess its the emotions that have drained me more.

I'm finally done with my attachment at TTSH.
Its bittersweet almost. And I'm left with far too many thoughts. And as usual, I'm afraid that it'd conveniently leach away. But I'm gonna take a chance and think about it later. My middle name is Procrastination.

I've got 2 whole weeks to methodically think through my summer, my very packed summer, my entire 3rd year, and my coming BSc year.
Thats alot to think through.

I'm looking forward to it. A nice break.
Not gonna have very much of this in the future.

You Light My World

2006-08-28T17:21:00.000+01:00

I love Oprah.
There I said it.

That admits to being both a closet daytime TV addict, and a fan of tear jerking, soppy, inspirational real-life stories. I wish we had Oprah in the UK. Don't know how the stiff upper lipped brits would take to her over the top antics. But I still like it. I don't think Trisha would even be able to give her a run for her money.

I remember watching Oprah since waaaaay back, and it scared me, when she did her 20th anniversary special, that I had actually been watching enough Oprah through the years to go... "Hey I remember that old episode!"

Doh.

But it is amazing how she is able to touch so many lives, encourage, heal and even address social issues through her show. Granted, sometimes in a very hollywood-ish way, and the cynic in me still wonders whether it is true, but it is all still very endearing. One of the shows that I remember from years ago, I think possibly when I was 13, was when she said this phrase...

"Do your eyes light up when your child walks into the room?"

Of course, it was a discussion on parenting. But as a kid then, it resonated so much within me, that hey, I even put it as a signature at the end of my emails for a period of time. And it does make me think, how many times do my parents' eyes light up when I walk in. Or how do my eyes light up? Who do they light up to?

Maybe its time we sat to re-examine ourselves. How often do our eyes light up? Who do they light up to? Do we make the effort to give that sparkle? Its a great feeling to receive the special glint, and maybe when we realise how dear and precious that feeling is, we'd make more of that effort to help others feel the same.

Superheros and Second Thoughts

2006-08-27T15:20:00.000+01:00

I think I know how it feels to be a superhero.
Not that I have any inclination of making it my sovereign duty to save the world and protect it from evil wiles.

Its more bcause I know what it feels like to lead a double life. Almost.
And I'm not enjoying it one bit. I'd rather give up my superpowers (If I had any to begin with).

Its been 3 weeks into a 4 week "elected" elective in the local hospital. I just decided to take 4 weeks out of my loooong (final) summer holiday to see what it would be like working back in Singapore. Done completely aside from academic requirements, in hopes that it would better help me make my decision as to whether to return to SG or stay in UK for further training. I'm nowhere near to making that decision yet. But there have been things that I've been made to think about over these past 3 weeks.

One of which is how I've been a pseudo Jekyll and Hyde. And I'm not quite liking it.

I've never been quite comfortable in the hospital context. Maybe that takes a long while of getting used to. Some medical students handle it easier than others. Blame it on my hangups and insecurities, but I still feel like scum of the earth and a headless chicken in the hospital. Part of me wonders whether I was built for this at all. My personality changes in the hospital. And this became more evident when I had to return to work after a weekend camp for Imperial freshers from Singapore. After a hiatus of slipping into the crazy, confident, whacky, neurotic, loud and fun me; the minute I stepped into the ward, I morphed into the quiet, awkward, insecure and dumb ole me.

However, on reflection, those Jekyll and Hyde traits are ALL part of my personality. My crazy side is as much a part of me as my awkward side. It just seemed like I'd swung fron one extreme to another. But that really does make me who I am, the entire package (including the propensity to be extreme). But thinking about it, if my job causes me to consistently maintain that moody and depressed state, then maybe it isn't the right job for me. Maybe I should have chosen teaching.

But hasn't God given me this genuine interest in medicine? I don't see myself doing anything else. Why can't I be that very same enthusiastic, passionate, happy and neurotic person in the hospital as I am outside. I suppose I'm in the process of learning to develop my "work-self". But there should be consistencies shouldn't there? I reckon the hardest thing in life is to remain consistent in all our relationships, all aspects. That is, to act the same around everyone. Granted, we have different roles in our different relationships with people, mother, daughter, student, colleague, friend - but there has to be a thread of commonality and consistency that runs through it. Otherwise, we'd just end up being hypocrites.

I don't want to be such.

Water

2006-08-21T12:39:00.000+01:00

You know how it feels like.

There is just so much that hasn't been said. And by the time you get to a point where things have to be said, you wade through the vast sea of emotions and memories, and realise that you don't know where to start. And then you just don't say anything at all.

My blog currently feels like that.

Perpetual apologies for not having updated in the past 2 months. Even my flooble chatterbox automatically shut itself down. And now I can even hear the crickets chirping in the distance.

Too many things have been siphoning off my creative energy these past few months, and the experiences and rewards I have reaped have been tremendous. I will try to keep on looking back and sharing about this most fruitful summer I have had, that you may learn and ponder through my adventures as well =)

So just an encouragement for all those who have been feeling tired, drained or worned out as I have been. Just as not drinking for awhile gets you thirsty, and not eating for a day makes you really hungry; don't agonise and beat yourself up for not having spent time with our Lord, the source of living water and our daily bread.
Just take time to stop, drink and eat.
He knows we are hungry and thirsty, and promises to fill.

Be filled dear friends.

Countdown

2006-05-30T01:13:00.000+01:00

Only about a week or so left in this rat hole.

I can think of 10 good reasons why I can't wait to get out of here.

10. Its THREE floors up. Without a lift. Thats 5 flights of stairs. Piece of cake? Well I'd really appreciate your help moving OUT.

9. The intercom breaks down intermittently. That means running down those 5 flights of stairs to let your friend in. And climbing up again, whilst listening to your friend moan about how far up it is. Again.

8. The ceiling is leaking, cracking and peeling. Nuff said.

7. There's effectively, no central heating. When its turned on, only the living room gets heated. The rest of us get left out. Grrr...

6. My room has a wonderful view of the circle and district line tube, accompanied by the regular sound of trains entering and leaving the station every 5mins.
POI: the last train is at 0030 and the first is at 0530.

5. Because of the train, the TV signal in the room is dreadful.The antenna has to be adjusted every 10min just to get rid of the sound of interference and static.

4. The shower has two settings. SUPER hot... or FREEEZING cold. And some days, if you're lucky, it randomly locks itself out, when the warm shower suddenly turns freakishly cold in 1 sec. Your housemates soon learn your characteristic howl, and save you by resetting the boiler.

3. The modem always breaks down just when you're having an important online conversation, and it goes nocturnal, and refuses to turn itself on in the morning. No it doesn't imitate its residents.

2. Those irritating discourteous selfish Malaysians downstairs always START making noise the minute I climb into bed to try to get a night's sleep. Can't those idiots just KEEP THEIR VOICES DOWN!!!

1. And the NUMBER ONE reason. The minute I do actually get to bed, I'm awakened at 4am in the morning. THIS time, by my inconsiderate neighbour who's holding a rave next door in his very own flat. And every single bass beat is transmitted through the paper thin walls.

I'm glad to be getting out of here soon. And I'm not just being whiny.

Welcome to London housing.
Teaches one alot about contentment.

Wating for a Testimony

2006-05-24T19:02:00.000+01:00

"Hi my name is Eda. I'm a 3rd year medical student"

I hope I'll never have to say that again.

So tis done. 2 long hours, of much fun and games.
Not without any pain though. I think all of us are just semi-dead and hoping for miracles. Moderation pleaaaase.

And we all have great stories to tell. I give thanks for having Deji with me in the circuits. He reminded me about the fact that sometimes things go wrong. Things are never perfect.

He reminded me that through these experiences, we can have a testimony to bear witness to the fact that it was God who helped us pass, and not our own strength. I can rely on God. Even if I don't make it, I know He is still in control.

So I'll just wait till 22nd June. Oh and this feels familiar doesn't it.
*Recalls messy room entry last year.

Don't Give Up.

2006-05-10T15:46:00.000+01:00

I'm republishing a post that I never got down to doing. But looking back. It was really His grace that carried me through such a rough year, and to Him be all the praise and glory =)

-----------------------------------
I apologise for the frenzy of fear my last post caused. I'm doing fine. Writing is just an outlet to express my distress. Usually it sounds a whole lot worse than it really is. I will endeavour to make less angsty posts, no one really likes reading too many of them anyway. Heh.

God has graciously carried me through the bumps and stumbles I landed myself in. And although exams are close to 2 weeks away, I'm still doing fine. Albeit my headache never seems to want to go away. OSCE preps and EMQ worries aside, I've found it increasingly difficult to express myself. Its either i'm running away in denial about something, I'm losing my ability to write or the stress is unconsciously eating away at my communicative skills. Maybe all 3.

Despite all that, at least one thing stays constant. God's word and His comfort. Here's an interesting passage I read this past week.

"But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."
2 Peter 1:5-8

Prior to this passage, Peter starts of his letter by reminding his readers about the gift of life, and power to be godly(holy) which we have in Christ. With this power, and His promises, we are able to turn away from the lusts and evil of this world.

Yeah. power.
What power?

I don't feel particularly powerful when I hit a rutt. When I stumble back into my old ways, my selfishness and rebellion against God, when I refuse to surrender. I don't feel as if I can do what is holy, what is righteous, what pleases God.

I don't because I try to do it on my own.

And I know many who have. And what happens? They give up. A relation of mine once related why he gave up being a Christian in his uni days. "Because it was too hard to do the right thing all the time. I couldn't live up to it. There's no point continuing on, because I'd just be a hypocrite."

Its too hard.

You bet its hard. The greatest temptation we'd EVER face as a Christian, in following Christ, is to give up. And thats when we attempt to do it on our own strength, and forget that God knows that we'd definitely fail. We will give up. Look at what happened to the Israelites' attempt to obey God's law. They could never do it completely.

But Jesus could. He was the only one who could. And therein lies the power.

Backlash

2006-05-08T23:34:00.000+01:00

Don't you get that feeling sometimes in your life?

When you've been building up and doing all the wrong things. Minor ones. Tiny ones. And they all end up crashing on you all at once.

I think I'm there.
Again.
It really is a horrible feeling.

When I realised that all the responsibility that was handed to me was not fulfilled. I get that alot.

I usually find out I'm there where every single thing goes wrong. And I have a hard time dealing with the repercussions. Like those times when you are heading straight towards a wall and yet you don't slow down. Eventually you hit the wall, and wish you could crawl into a hole and just stay there, and not have to deal with the consequences.

Maybe thats just me.
Escapist.

And I get myself into a tight spot because of my own laziness / stupidity. Mom calls it having lost sight of my priorities. It happens in an almost cyclical fashion.

Its just so much easier to run away from my mistakes than to face them straight on and deal with them. My unwillingness might just be a reflection of not trusting that God can and will get me through this, and in admitting that I things have gone sorely wrong because I have taken matters into my own hands instead.

This is one long hard lesson He is trying to teach me.

CV Sniffers

2006-05-05T00:14:00.000+01:00

I'm not here to make my CV look good.

I just can't.
I didn't get to where I am because of my charm or influence.
I'm here because of God's grace despite my stupidity.

Strange that everything that I have been choosing to do all my life, has never been good enough to be reflected on black and white. Silly me.
No ECA marks scored.
No PEARLS points awarded.
No mention in a glowing CV.
Not counted in an F1 application.
Not of interest to future employers.
Not enough relevant information to fill the 15cm x 6cm blank.

UGH.

Part of me is frustrated with myself, for not being plotting and scheming enough to chalk up enough brownie points, to make myself look good to the world around me. I know some people who have been doing so since they were 12.

What do I have to prove?
Why do I need to prove it?
Who do I really need to prove it to?

Thinks: "If I can't prove it, then I won't get an opportunity to do something, which would potentially look nice on my CV, which would therefore help me get the next opportunity that rolls along...."
Which then gets me trapped in the dreadful cycle.

Its not like I am dying to be part of it, I hate it. And I would much rather NOT be in it. But how else can our shallow, impersonal, distant society judge people at a flash of an eye, instantaneously, and therefore determine their worth. Ok fine. Take the utilitarian side and say thats the only way we can use our resources well, don't be so idealistic eda, i'm sure you'd do fine making a cup of fine coffee for the arrogant CV bulking twat next door.

Ok we can be idealistic, and say, forget what other people say etc etc. Just do what you enjoy. You don't have to prove to anyone. Who am I kidding. With that attitude, how am I ever gonna surivive the big bad world out there? How am I gonna get ahead? How am I gonna get a job?

howhowhow?

I've decided then. I'll BE idealistic. I know that I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Because the ultimate judge who demands the proof in heaven, has already gotten it through Jesus. He is the only one who really cares about what I'm worth, and who determined my worth, by His death. The best thing? He is the ruler and creator of this cynical fallen world, and He is still in control of it. And for that, even if my CV ain't the bulkiest and glowiest around, I know that He's pulling the biggest strings in heaven to get me where HE wants. Which is infinitely better.

Thank God for that.

I can do that.... or not?

2006-05-04T22:46:00.000+01:00

Maybe thats what reality TV does to us.

All of us begin to believe we have what it takes to be on tv, to be an actor/actress.
OK fine I admit. I was getting too full of myself. The lure of fame....

I abruptly fell back down to earth today. I finally re-experienced what REAL actors are like. And how good they can really be. None of this rubbish reality TV.

Oddly enough.
It was at a communication skills teaching session at St. Mary's.

But first, I should qualify that I am quite impressed with medical training at imperial. We were given an opportunity for small group training in communication skills. Before anyone starts slagging it off as an utter waste of time (which most of my arrogant coursemates do), I actually found it extremely useful. Probably those strange times when I really appreciate the "soft skills" that the medical school attempts to impart because of new GMC guidelines / medical school curriculum reviews.

They brought in professional actors as simulated patients. Professional actors. Those who lose themselves in their role. Those who morph into different creatures. And yet still remain utterly and completely believable. You forget who they introduced themselves as a minute ago. Its such an amazing talent. I think they're not given credit enough for their jobs.

I don't think I can do that anymore.
I'm losing touch with my theatrical roots.

Madagascar

2006-05-03T23:26:00.000+01:00

I can't really come up with wisecracks now.

Half my brain power has been zapped.
Actually the fall was quite a good excuse.

The other half is trying to buckle down to work, whilst fleeing from the temptation to run out into the sunshine. Someone just commented about me being pasty white. Hmmz.

Meanwhile. Its a riot back home.

My shower has morphed into a slithering snake, which makes bathtime quite a feat. Each of us having emerged fighting the battle with scars and injuries, in the attempt to be squeaky clean. Its fun though I admit. Now I know why kids like to play with the garden hose.

Our living room has become a pigsty. Which doesn't say much for the inhabitants. Except I must say we are some very intelligent piggies.

I've adopted a pet sloth. Not like our household needed a clone of me. But this one cooks pretty well, and also speaks in some strange foreign tongue. Provides some form of entertainment I reckon.

And our modem has turned into a nocturnal creature. It needs the occasional kicks, whacks, and threats before it starts to function. Many a time my housemates had to restrain me from dropping it from a height.

As they say, "Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad. Somebody"

Hiatus. Hernia. Hypotension.

2006-04-28T20:20:00.000+01:00

I apologise for the long hiatus.

Haven't had time to sit down and just ponder about life.
It basically just whizzed past.

I just banged my head, and I reckon that was an indication for me to slow down. Just to clarify, I had a vaso-vagal attack, and stupidly enough, I just fell straight backwards and banged my head.
All this whilst watching an exciting incisional hernia repair. And I was scrubbed in.

Oh the humiliation.

And no, it wasn't because theatres were too gory. I just think its been the running around. Clinicals are really draining the life out of me. I wonder how I will survive this in the long run.

My first collapse. Sigh.
At least I got a free ECG done.

Afterglow ; Caught In Suspension

2006-03-05T10:02:00.000Z

I can finally get back to blogging. At least there is a tagboard here where I can get appreciated and feedback on my work. I miss that.

New shampoo to start a new chapter in life... mm.
The sweet smell of Mango

I'm not going to sit here and reminisce on how fantastic AC Night was. It tasted more bittersweet, and I'm not talking about the lamb. It couldn't have gone more perfectly had I done it myself. It was all God's work indeed, all glory and praise and honour be unto Him.

But, at the end of the day, when the party is all over, isn't it the friends that stay behind? The friends that make the difference? The friends that go home with you, or better still, bring you home when you're not able to do so yourself?

Yet part of me which held dear some of these friends, has undergone malignant change, and is threatening to either kill me, or kill the part which it resides in. Other parts have just died of ischaemia; and interestingly, there has been some productive proliferation in other random parts. I don't quite know how to feel.

I am convincing myself that it was all worthwhile.

Now its time to move on. Yes mom, I'll study hard-er.

The Quest... for the missing keys

2006-01-15T23:59:00.000Z

After 1.5h of rummaging round the house, I came to a couple of conclusions.

Its better to leave my room in a state of "organised mess". That way, I'd take strange comfort in knowing that my belongings are in there. Somewhere.

Everytime I attempt to clean my room, something goes missing. Inevitably, its because I've just shoved one seemingly (at the time) unimportant item into a random drawer, just to make my room look neater. For a period of time last year, I was convinced a strange monster lived in my room just to chomp up my belongings. Well he might have followed me here.

Now for the quest...
The worst feeling came when my room looked clear, every single corner searched, and I still hadn't found what I was looking for. My mind ran wild, started to second doubt my searching abilities (which were rather frenzied as I threw panicked tantrums), groped in places like my pots and pans, fridge, shoes etcc.. (I have left stuff in there before).

In the process of the search, I found one old sock, a watch, all the books that fell between my bed and the wall, and other items that I didn't realise were missing, or which I couldn't be bothered to look for before.

After 1.5h of turning my room upside down, as I enter a state of mental and emotional breakdown, the entire household was mobilised to find the missing keys, with me whinging on the phone to mom. Suddenly, my housemate (who finally decided to help in the search) makes a sudden squeak in a corner.

It was in her jacket pocket all along. Right.

-argh-
[the volume has been turned off at this point to prevent damage to your speakers]

I've relegated all my cooking duties to her for this week.

Note to self. Go get one of those electronic tags which attach to my keys. Actually, I should attach it to everything I own.

blimey.

Reality Check

2006-01-14T21:15:00.000Z

I wonder bout my literary prowess.
Or rather lack of it.

Have my skills been waning, or have I merely been deluding myself in thinking that people are actually interested in the stuff I generate. Probably that's why the self-absorbed yet insecure part of me has finally decided to put up a tagbox. [Not to mention that this page was getting abit boring without input other than my own]

So just to get a clue on who reads my blog. And well I reckon I might get loads of anonymous hits. I'm glad to know at least some strangers are interested in the insane life, or actually, rather dull life I lead.

And yes that I would actually have the time to do such nonsense.

So heres to many more posts where I boldly display my wonderful writing skills (or so I would like to believe), and to all those who do enjoy it... man I'm so glad for you guys.

No. Its Sat night, I'm stuck at home with ungrateful housemates and I'm not drunk. I promise.

The Heinz Challenge

2006-01-05T22:21:00.000Z

This is me.
Making up for lost childhood.

Either that or I have gotten very sick of my own cooking.

To be utterly honest with you. I always thought my childhood lacked something. Especially when I walked by the kiddie section in the supermarket that sold those cutesy little bottles of apple juice and bread and banana pudding. My housemate resonated with the same thoughts. So we both boldy [well she didn't want to be photographed and her identity will be protected] went forth to buy our very first bottle of baby food.

Note to self. Never feed this to my kid.

Maybe as a kid I was so traumatised that I didn't want to retain any memory of having eaten this concoction. But at least now I can say that I've tried it once before.

My mom knows best. Thanks for never feeding me this ;)

Shifting Sand

2006-01-02T23:48:00.000Z

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave

My faith feels like that mostly. And most of the time I beat myself up everytime I find myself drifting away. Its an awful feeling and most times I just end up in a hole and ever further away from God. Especially when I'm in a procrastinatory slump. Like I was.

And then I try to pick myself out of it by my own strength, and it just becomes futile. All the self help, self motivatory books in the world would not be of any use.

Then I heard this song. Well I listened. I've heard it alot, but for once I listened to the lyrics, and it made so much sense. And here was someone else admitting to the same problem I had! I wasn't the only one... Its not just me! I'm not the only person in the whole wide world that finds it so hard, that feels so absolutely inadequate and unable to carry on the christian walk.

And here was the catcher in the second part of the chorus
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

There it was. We all feel like faith on shifting sand, unstable, inadequate, never quite there. But thats why Jesus came, thats why the only thing we can stand on His firm foundation, to stand on His grace.

So I'm not the only rotten pea in the pot.

* Shifting Sand by Caedmon's Call - Chronicles Album

Procrastination Slump

2005-12-31T01:32:00.000Z

The day after boxing day. Things seem to be slowing down. Well what more can I expect, I'm surrounded by hardcore muggers in my household.

That was the one liner I managed to write after coming back from an amazing ski trip. One line.
It was probably the most productive I got the whole week. I've been doing nothing but mope and mulch about the past week since I've gotten back. I need inspiration. The past week I've just been rebelling against doing work, especially since my housemates are doing nothing but study. And some don't even HAVE exams to study for. gak. That does not fuel inspiration at all.

I've discovered my inane ability of procrastination. My excuse, my room is cluttered. OK. fine. I've cleared it. Erm... next excuse. I'm not inspired. Yeah, when will I ever be.

I will get down to doing the work I'm supposed to do.
I will get down to learning fascinating diseases.
I will get down to posting my pictures and consolidating my thoughts on the ski trip.

I will.... ermm... next year. ;)
Till then... its TV, feasting and snoozing.

Goodbye 12, Goodbye 13, Hello Love.

2005-11-21T00:38:00.000Z

Nothing much has changed since I've hit the big 2-1. In fact part of me feels more self-conscious, more gawky and more immature than ever.

My room is a testament to that. Some things never change. It gets from immaculately spotless to a deadly warzone in a matter of hours. I don't even know how I survive my own health hazard.

My tummy starts turning on itself after the slightest amount of alcohol. Something is seriously wrong there. Maybe the only thing pointing towards signs of aging. Shock. Horror.

Funny thing, after having had a long, endearing and rather silly conversation with my younger teenage cousin on the do's and dont's of good conversation and social skills, I realise that I wasn't in much of a position to do so myself.

As my favourite musical puts it perfectly, its that time in your life when you're...

too young to take over
too old to ignore.
goodbye 12, goodbye 13, hello love.

Only thing, I'm supposed to be way past adolesence.

The Best Birthday Present Ever!

2005-11-16T11:20:00.001Z

Someone texted me reminding me that having reached a grand age of 21, I was my own girl now. Hmm. I would want to remain a kid forever, but even better than that, I am, was, and forever will be a Child of God. Which is the better than being just a kid, even if it means I have to one day relinquish my smelly little baby pillow.

I've always been one for surprises and huge celebrations, though I've always dreaded the social awkwardness that comes along with it. And for the most part of my life growing up I've always wished for a bigger and better and more exciting birthday. My wish was always to have someone come in a surprise me with a huge and elaborate celebration.

However I've learned that even with all that, my life can still feel empty and unfulfilled.

I was commenting that one of the worse times in a party, is when it has ended. When everyone leaves, and when I silently crawl into my bed alone, and realise that the party did nothing to lift my spirits in and of itself. And I still felt lonely and unloved.

Last night however, was different.

I remembered that...
For all the surprises in the world, the greatest was in realising that Christ died for me, and He truly did love me for the lump of dump I was.

For all the parties in the world, I had the greatest one in heaven when I responded to Him as Lord and Saviour of my life.

For all the the celebrations in the world, I can look to the day when all of the saints would rejoice in the returning of our King.

For all the people to cram into a room, I already have a wonderful and loving family of brothers and sisters in Christ, that do more than make the numbers.

For all the birthday greetings, I have already been blessed with a multitude of prayers from members of that very same family.

I won't want to harp on never having experienced these on earth, or be tempted to compare myself to any other lucky babies who received such huge celebrations. Its no longer of consequence. [But no one is to say it isn't nice ;)]

In some instances, this is the quietest and yet most meaningful birthday. Well the day hasn't even quite gotten around to starting, I had just spent most of the morning savouring a heart wrenching, mindblowing and awe-inspiring birthday present. A dear friend gave me a book that helped to remind me once again, that I have already received the best birthday present ever.

In fact I've had it all along. I just forget to open it sometimes.

Gripped By Grace

2005-11-13T18:01:00.000Z

I've just been banished into my room by my housemates. No one is allowing me anywhere near their 5m radius, having just returned from a weekend away without showering for 2 days. =)

Still feeling good, and the fatigue has not kicked in yet. Strangely so, it feels so nice to be returning home. To a room, to something familiar. I take comfort in small things like these. Just being able to return home, no matter how messy my room is. At least there is some semi-consistency in my life.

I greeted my room with a "welcome back to my life". Yet another strange sensation. It wasn't as if going for the christian union weekend away was differentiated as a separate life. Or anything of that sort. But somehow, its about returning to the practicalities and challenges in living out the grace filled life that we're called to live.

Yet as tired as I am, it feels strangely refreshing. Somehow I only got the message of the entire weekend only towards the last few sessions. About understanding that I am dead to my old life, and I live under the shadow of His grace, as a completely new creation. It happens each day, each morning, and we can therefore walk and live in confidence and in freedom to love and serve our Lord Jesus Christ.

Colossians 3:1-4

Left Behind

2005-11-04T21:56:00.000Z

So its yet another friday night. At least this time I've got an internet connection. The last time I had a blog post ready, but just couldn't get it up. It felt constipated. Boy was that a depressing sounding post. But who wouldn't be in this conditions?

At least the nutheads below are not screaming their heads off. Or rather I've taken refuge in my housemate's room. Well until she starts nagging my head off.

Just a thought. Will my life be like this when I return home? When all my friends have graduated from college, when everyone else busies their lives with their job. Where will my real friends be? The ones that I will never tire of meeting every week. The ones that I can count on to call up for a meal whenever. The ones that can tolerate my endless nonsense.

Maybe that's why I always preferred going for weekend family gatherings. Low social effort meetings.

Maybe its because I don't invest in my friends enough.

I've got a sinking feeling everyone's lives move on. And I'll end up stuck in the past.

Music through heartsongs

2005-11-02T09:26:00.000Z

A backdated thought.

Part of me is afraid I'll lose all these important thoughts that randomly flash through my head in a day. Unfortunately I don't have a keyboard nor a convenient internet connection to assist the recording of these thoughts.

One of which frequently occured during my last placement.

Funny are these things, when you try to pen them down, its seemingly impossible! But when they occur in your head, they are these amazingly brilliant insights [or so i think] that you wish the world could just see into your head and give you a literary prize for.

Enough daydreaming during firms. I digress.

Every thursday afternoon, the hospital would invite external performers to put up a music/artistic performance in the atrium of the hospital. It was such a refreshing change to see some life in that place, especially since after an entire day/week, all around me were scenes of death.

Not to be melodramatic, but theres a sort of understated nochalance that happens in the wards with regards to the patients. Yes we do recognise them as individuals, but sometimes the call for detachment to them, to their disease, sometimes makes me see them as mere jobs that need to be done. The CT that needs to be ordered, the bloods that need to be done. I gloss over the reality that Mr Bloggs is trying to cope with a debilitating disease and maybe there's other forms of healing that need to be done.

Bless those musicians, they really attempt to bring both clinicians and patients back to reality. Quite a difficult task. The sad thing though, is that many in the hospital who would benefit from this most, don't actually know it exists.

Transferable Skills

2005-11-01T11:14:00.000Z

I survived my firms. I thought I never would.

Returning back to lectures for a few weeks of reprive. I'm enjoying this hiatus. We just had a lecture on essay writing, which culminated in the lecturer doing an outline for an essay of any topic of his audience's choice.

If thought bubbles could be visible... The lecture theatre would have been filled with the likes of "It's payback time. Here's what you get from dragging us out of bed so early for such a waffly lecture".

A resonant voice shot up from the audience
"Discuss the importance of wearing clean underwear on your first date"

So much from expecting something scientific from medical students. Or should I add, tired medical students. At least we could get some daytime entertainment.

He then proceed on a stepwise, detailed dissection and meticulous definition of the terms in the title. For example, the various degrees of clean [hmm...] underwear; the context of the person you are going on a first date with; and most importantly, whether your date would actually get to see the underwear at all.

Talk about living biology.

And I am still not confident of writing scientific essays. Now we know why.

Cromwellies

2005-09-16T14:58:00.000+01:00

They say getting property is all about..

Location. Location. Location.

And I thought I had a great deal. £98 a week, big single room, right next to the sainsburys,conveniently close to the tube. Bargain!

Close to the tube.

NEXT to the TUBE!!!!
Yes. And it didn't occur to me that my room was actually right NEXT to the district and circle line tracks. The best thing. The last train is at 12:30am and the first at 5:30am.

I'm so not going to recover from jet lag.

Welcome back to london.

And did I mention that the flat is between two italian restaurants. Restaurants.
Hello Mickey and Minnie.
What was I THINKING. I probably wasn't.
No wonder the landlord was in such a hurry to sign our contracts.

Hindsight is the best sight.

This is going to be one loooooong year.

ps: good luck fellow 134/136 cromwellies

Robbin and Tollins

2005-08-29T19:28:00.000+01:00

I think cable should have an ENTIRE channel dedicated to sitcoms. Maybe I'm watching way too much tv. Regardless. Someone should take my suggestion.
Sitcoms make me happy. We have too much blood, sex and gore on tv these days. What happened to good sitcoms.
Here's my lowdown on the sitcom world.

My favourite: Seinfeld.
A show about basically nothing. 4 friends sabotaging each others lives, and getting away with it. For more than 9 years? Amazing. I watch reruns all too often.

Does anyone still remember Murphy Brown, Perfect Strangers, Golden Girls, Cheers, Who's The Boss, The Cosby Show and Alf? Good ole shows I grew up with. Still randomly slotted in during the mornings. I love those.

And if you wanna start discussion with your parents, recall the Brady Bunch or I Love Lucy. Good ole wholesome family fun.

Admittedly, there were those I watched in my teens just because the cast was cute/cool. Yes... shudder. I was one of those. They weren't good. They just had good looking people in it.
Brotherly Love - Matthew Lawrence. drool.
Saved By The Bell - well the entire cast.
Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher - gosh the kids were cute.
Weird Science - the girl was hot, but the guys were nerdy. i like.
Boy Meets World - that guy that talked too much was good.
Home Improvement - JTT... mmmm =)
Even Stevens - I love smart kids that mess up.
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air - Will Smith Rulez.
And the cute twins in Sweet Valley High and So Little Time.

Then we have the slightly newer classics like the Drew Carey Show, 3rd Rock From The Sun, That 70's Show, Everybody Loves Raymond.

For those that thrive on spontaniety, like yours truly, its gotta be Whose's Line Is It Anyway. They should sell whole seasons of these!

And has anyone seen Arrested Development? I think its the wittiest and most insane comedy in the longest time. Pseudo "The Office", but much easier for the rest of our non-british palates. And following along those lines, theres Malcom In The Middle and the new kid on the block, Oliver Beene.

Oh and for asian power, Goodness Gracious Me and The Kumars and No. 42. But for older -true- british comedy, Allo Allo and Fawlty Towers crack me up any day.

In true patriotism. I must admit that I used to watch videos of Under One Roof over and over again till i memorised their dialogue. Really. Phua Chu Kang was not bad, but only their mid-seasons. They took some time to settle in, and by their last few seasons, aloysius was too much of a teenager to be cute, and everyone was trying so hard to speaker proper english that it compromised their truly funny Singlish roots.

And Scrubs. Just coz I'm a medic.

Comedy rulez! Whats your favourite?

Chinablack

2005-08-28T09:22:00.000+01:00

At the end of a long clubbing session, its always good to have a warm little body, breathing softly at your feet, under the covers.
That was my doggie I was talking about mind you.

Status? My liver is stressed, kidneys overworked, intestines flipped, brain overloaded and spirit overdosed.

But I'm still alive. Alive enough to be penning these thoughts down before they vanish.*
Inspiration comes at strange times of the day.

Contrary to popular belief. I am not a chiong-ster. Honest.
I just happen to love dancing, and am able to hold down my drink.

Sometimes I wonder why people go clubbing. Most times it ends up as a "vulture-fest" (nuff said there).
The rest of us, come up with seeming "nobler" excuses of just wanting to dance. It could possibly stem from our closet exhibitionist selves; our hidden repressed alter egos who are fed up of having a solo audience in front of the mirror, and are finally willing to subject members of the public to our spontaneous bopping.

Thank you Jack Daniels.

But as clean as everyone (well at least a small handful) wants it to be, you can't deny the potential emotional and physical minefield in the labyrinths of a club. And if we recoil at the thought of walking through the minefields of cambodia, why are we still taking huge strides through this social jungle, when the mines keep blowing up in our faces?

The common excuse: I'm young. This won't last forever.
Damn right about that.

But I won't live till very long if I keep up with this.
Meanwhile its detox sunday.

*scribbled right after I got back. posted the next morning.

Spiders. Cars.

2005-08-04T02:57:00.000+01:00

I thought I'd blog about something quite close to our hearts.
Cars. Driving. Parents.

What a lethal combination.
I have yet to pass my parent's driving test. i.e, I'm not allowed to take the car out on my own. I'm not complaining, well ok so I am, but they are genuinely worried about my safety. But how would one ever learn if one never tries? So I suppose one day I'll miraculously be able to navigate the crowded and congested streets of Orchard Rd without getting bashed in.

I reckon my parents should set up one of those lesson by lesson objectives like what they have during driving school. And I'l get a chop each time I satisfactorily complete a section. Depending on their "feeeling" about my driving skills isn't tangible enough assurance on my progress.

I think whats most terrible, are those of you who have parents that are absolute kancheong* spiders. If you wonder where my kancheong-ness comes from. Now you do. It is not helpful for someone to be yelling directions aloud, and multiple times. Nor is it useful to have them constantly nagging to use the horn and brake and beep lights, and also helping you curse other drivers along the way.

Where does grace come in? Sigh.

For now, ez-link is my good friend.

[i've got a feeling i'd get a combination of mocking and sympathetic comments. but hey what else is new.]
*kancheong is singlish for uptight, highstrung, panicky, or for your parents; just a crude way of being concerned.

Consistently Contradictory

2005-07-30T10:10:00.000+01:00

Thats the one thing you'd realise if you keep up with my blog.

The previous post certainly sounded like my moanings about being single or the possibility of remaining so. Yes, to a certain extent. And yet there was a tinge of wanting to embrace it with gusto, so as not to be paralysed by it.

But not too worry, I'm not blogging about it because its foremost in my mind. I just thought it'd make good discussion.

I'm merely letting you into the tussle that I face over every decision. Every day.

Boy is it tiring being me.

Singularities

2005-07-29T15:06:00.000+01:00

I've resorted to watching Oprah Winfrey reruns on Starworld. I miss cable. Renee Zellwegger was being interviewed on her "latest" movie, the third installment of Bridget Jones' Diary. Goes to show how long ago it was.

In usual Oprah style, she managed to find a real life Bridget Jones, not that it was too difficult to find Bridgets in our day and age. So finally Oprah had to ask, "Why do you think you're in such a situation?" Not the smartest of all questions Oprah, or so I thought.

However, I was honestly wondering the same thing. How do women, relatively attractive, well educated, end up in such a predicament of being 34 and not married. A status that would have been frowned upon even a decade ago, but is now becoming increasingly popular. By choice or circumstance? [I'm sure many would maintain the former just for the sake of our egos]

Not that marriage is a current issue I'm grappling with [thank heavens no], but the real life Bridget's reply was simply, "I think its because I'm too independent. Financially or otherwise. I love to go out, do things etc etc" Then it slapped me in the face. So was I. [not financially, but on my way to it I hope] But hey, I've got a decade before it becomes an issue.

So my uncles weren't kidding when they said the ceaseless activity I'm packing in this summer did scare people away. But what was I supposed to do? Sit around and mope? Hope that Prince Charming falls through the roof and declares an undying love and admiration for me, and the ride off into the sunset? Only in Disney movies. [And even then Pixar is doing a better job depicting reality. Think Shrek.]

I suppose jam packing my schedule is only as a response, so as not to end up a moping spinster when I hit 30. If it does happen though, at least I'd have had experience living a life.

Interestingly so, I reckon many girls my age still take it for granted that they will "somehow" end up married by age 30. And only when they close in on the big three-o, they suffer Ally Mcbeal like moments, and gulp down the reality of maybe remaning single for a longer than imagined time. Maybe I'm forced to take in this possibility much earlier, when everyone else around me, especially those attached, are allowed to shove this issue aside, for the time being.

In recent meetings with girlfriends, this topic inevitably comes up. Especially amongst us female doctor wannabes. In this case the excuse would have to be circumstance. Having barely begun our journey into medicine, and we already had to confront this sacrifice involved. I'm not ready for it. I don't think I am.

I'm not as independent and strong as everyone makes me out to be. But how else would I be able to survive being away from home, studying medicine overseas and coping with the wreck my life is. Hmm.

I think that would resonate with many single girls.

[just for an endnote: sorry guys. i suppose this is a girlie problem. maybe we can address the male situation another time. but i think we are in more dire straits. i'm biased of course]

I'm Diving In ;)

2005-07-25T14:40:00.000+01:00

What does a baboon and a tomato have in common?

6 new awesome friends
5 exhilirating dives
4 embarrassing tan lines
3 days of sun and rain
2 silly boat cannonballs
1 very toasted Eda
dozens of insults and loads of laughs later....

we became certified open water divers! wooot

To be entirely honest, I never thought I'd make it, due to my sheer lack of activity in general. And considering my lacklustre performances during PE classes throughout my academic career, if you'd predicted me scuba diving, I'd have given you a very strange look.

But having done it, the thrill doesn't come as much from the things that you see down below [not that it isn't exciting], but from having overcome a challenge which I wasn't confident of handling. So whether it was teaching an old dog [okok I'm not that old] new tricks and mastering new skills involved, or being sporty for once in my life [though I'll never be able to shed the nerd image] or conquering a childhood fear of the sea; its a serious sense of satisfaction. Not to mention roughing it out and going back to basics for 3 days [oh how my neck hurts from that hard pillow].

The rewards are indescribable. At the verge of sounding cliched, its really exciting to be able to experience an entirely alternate universe, such a surreal feeling. Even though we didn't get to "see much" as many other divers would put it, no turtles, stingrays, bumheads or triggerfish [thank goodness], the fact that we had the privilege of SEE-ing the underwater world, was quite a thrill in itself. I just hope that I'll never forget the sheer awesomeness of this simple fact, even after going for more dives. [anyone for more?]

That being said though, it was really God's grace [thanks for everyone's wee prayers as well] that I got to meet a bunch of really nice people on this dive. If not for them, my experience would have be completely different, and I would really not be -this- excited about diving. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that if I had a group of people I couldn't relate to as well as this fantastic bunch, I'd just stop trying to dive altogether.

So here's a fat shoutout of THANK YOU to Adam, Wan Ho, Kevin, Celine and my [extremely patient] buddy Kenneth for making my first diving trip so memorable and so excellent! I seriously wouldn't have survived without all of you. Honest.

Now that I've got my feet on more or less solid [not sandy] ground, and after feeling the boat rocking in my sleep, the next question is... anyone up for doing advanced? ;)

Diving - Mini Photo Journal

2005-07-25T14:33:00.000+01:00

I know I don't usually do this, but hey, I don't have to go to work, and I like to savour the experience. Plus I'm pretty bored at home, and I don't wish to touch my pharmaco textbook.

Our Dive resort... Atlantis Bay.
It took us a good 4 hours on a dinghy slowboat to get there.

By the time we arrived, most of us were sunburnt. Even desperate measures throughout the rest of the week were not sufficient to rescue our toasted faces. Although it made for fascinating photo moments ;)

Poor burnt Kenneth attempts to salvage the situation by slopping on the sunscreen. Too bad buddy, gotcha there!

Wan Ho wasn't spared from the sun either, and it wasn't just his face that suffered =/

We were taken under the wings of the ever so cool dive instructor, Shafe. [the guy with the bandana obviously; the sun would have been disasterous on his gleening head ;)] I seriously thought his name was shave, because he has the hair (or lack of) to go with it.

Sometimes I wonder how he put up with us. Meet the entertainers of the gang, me and my long lost brother, Kevin (shudder).
Providing endless amounts of silliness, giggles and just slapstick stupidity for entertainment. And yes I did canonball jump off the boat, TWICE, and land flat on my face in the water just for an adrenaline rush. Plus it provided jaw dropping entertainment and side splitting laughs.

That aside, still managed to find time off diving to climb the intriguing rock formations along the side of the resort. Caught some misty views of the bay at dusk.

Yup thats me still monkeying my way around.

And it was back to business again, getting briefed by our instructor Alex, who was younger than the entire group, except for me. Yes. Me the baby. =/

So this is us starting to rig up... well most of us.

Stop acting silly Adam, get to work.

Ok now Kevin, stop slacking off. =P

The guys who taught us all we know, which isn't alot, yet. We wouldn't have been alive without them, the ever so seh instructors, Shafe and Alex.

And without whom I personally would be in trouble as well, my buddy, Kenneth, both of us burnt to a crisp.

So there you go. That was the diving trip. =)

Really glad I plunged in.
In more ways than one.

The Greatest Insult

2005-06-27T05:30:00.000+01:00

I've just been given the greatest insult ever.
By my own dad.
No this is not a grumbling session. I just found it so amusing.

Dad walked in this morning and greeted me as I got out of bed with
"I just took your clothes out of the wash. Your jeans has this peculiar... [searches for a word] scent. Its like... [struggling to find adjective] a smelly angmoh* that hasn't bathed for days"

Ok. So my jeans were smelly. But who could blame me... I was wearing that for 3/4 days. I was packing and moving out of halls, and didn't have time to do the laundry. =P Also I might have probably lost my sense of smell, as a survival selectivity evolution, in order to cope with the smelly piggies I went travelling with, one of whom wore the same pair of jeans for the entire 2 weeks, and the other survived on 4 pairs of underwear (without washing mind you!) for 3 weeks.

Its no wonder I've lost my sense of smell (boohoo...)

So if I meet any of you guys now, and I still smell like a smelly angmoh*, I apologise. I've changed my jeans, but dad says my whole luggage smells like that. =(\

Though I am curious. Do I smell? [insecurities resurfacing]

* really sorry to my british mates. angmoh is a word singaporeans use to describe non-chinese people. basically it means red-haired. but i dont see how all non-chinese are red haired. its slightly derogatory. but i was quoting from dad verbatim.

Uniquely Singaporean

2005-06-26T15:49:00.000+01:00

For all those who have been studying or travelling overseas for a substantially long period of time.

Most people know that they are home when they hear the familiar singaporean accent greeting them. For others, its the humidity and heat that hits them the minute they step out of the comfy air conditioned airport.

Here's how I realised I was home. On opening the newspapers, I was faced with details of celebrities losing weight by religiously visiting slimming salons, a write-up on using mobile phones in toilets, and a rather intriguing debate on whether guys should carry their girlies' handbags. I can't place a finger on it, but it felt so distinctly singaporean. Not in a bad way entirely, but I'd never find such discussions gracing the pages of the metro or the sun. [such mild social expositions would bore the british audience]

Yet as much as I denounced such articles, I found myself drawn to them as well, in a peculiar sort of way. Maybe thats what makes me singaporean. And inexplicable obsession with such (meaningless) oddities of life. But to be honest. It is embarrassing. Does that equate me being slightly uncomfortable being singaporean? Or is it a justified concern about the standard of our press (or its reflection about the concerns of our citizens) ?

Yes I'm home, or am I?

[correct me if i'm wrong about this particular sort of discussions being uniquely singaporean -- oooh... anyone remember that slogan =P]

Changing Seasons

2005-06-25T13:06:00.000+01:00

Thats it. One year down. 4 more to go. It didn't end with as big a bang as i expected. But I reckon its a trade-off after having had too much fun and too little studying. Hadn't blogged for a while coz I was rushing to prep for an exam, zoomed off to scotland and spain subsequently, had a blast, came back to pack my life in boxes, and now heading home. -phew- What a mouthfull.

Also managed to squeeze a ritual solo show. This time round it was Death Of A Salesman. Arthur Miller. Brilliant show, superb acting. Pity no one had the honour of enjoying it with me. I think it was an apt show to catch just before heading home. Sometimes I feel like Biff Loman.

Have a millions of thoughts, but no time to write them down as of now. I'd probably do a writeup on the trip. Soon.

I've realised that I don't go back home to life as it once was. Had that wrong impression when I went back last summer. Somehow I had hoped that I'd go BACK (like back in time) to things as they were when I left it. But now I realised its one change after another. At least this year I'll be more prepared. Time machines don't exist yet.

For now its homeward bound, for yet a new season of life.

A-stray

2005-06-02T01:56:00.000+01:00

Caught a rare sight today. Whilst shuffling along the deserted street, heading back to halls, at an unearthly hour I might add. [I seem to do this often, unwittingly] Seems like the strangest of thoughts and the simplest of sights drive me to deep (well almost) introspection, whenever I am in that situation.

Rare sight: A straggly little ole dog running through the cars, off into the shadows. My eyes couldn't keep up with where he was heading. And after a couple of seconds, the street was empty again.
And for a minute there, I almost felt abit like that little stray.

Wandering into the stillness of the night, casting furtive backward glances, taking in the smells of the night air that one never really notices in the day. Yeah, if mom knew I'd walked back alone she'd have me skinned. Again. But theres a strange sort of liberation, yet a sad sort of discontentment. As mom used to say, we have no choice but to stay strong, and be strong. I didn't ask to be that way, but I reckon thats what being here does to you. Sort of a drawback?

I'd never really describe myself as an independent kid. To be honest, I'm more a dependent than anything, (ah so heres to the wool I've pulled over all your eyes). Bits of stubborness and 'spoiltness' as being the only child does rear its ugly head at times, though its subtlety may only be obvious to me and a rare few that pay attention.

Its times like these when I struggle to reconcile such strange discontentment. Or more like battling to reconcile the billions of thoughts that are still churning. Times like these when that little stray dog just seemed to echo what I was feeling. A stray. Straying away almost from where I'm meant to be (which I am still figuring out), straying away form contentment in Christ alone, straying away like a sheep forgetting where the shepherd is. The only true shepherd who gave his like for this stray.

Its not easy being the stray, I want my owner.

Running Dry

2005-06-01T00:52:00.000+01:00

Before people start complaining of this place growing rather old and mouldy, I ought to plop a little something on, just to assure everyone that I'm alive. Still kicking unfortunately to some people's discontent.

Haven't got any startling thoughts that I'd want to share with the world though. My brain has still been on hibernate mode. Or rather I might be turning into a recluse. Lets just see how much rambling I can keep up with, and how much people can stand following.

In one week...

I've felt as if my life were broken into tiny bits of broken glass, scattered all around me, cutting me as I bent down to pick the pieces up.
I've landed back on square one.
I've set down resolutions that I knew I'd never keep.
I've sought for attention that could never be held.
I've tried to mind-read but failed miserably.
I've actually ran out of things to say.
I've wished that life wasn't this hard.
I've given thanks that I'm alive.

How different has that been from yours?

Relativistic Recoils

2005-05-22T22:51:00.000+01:00

This isn't an original piece. My mate Linny wrote this, and since I'm at a brain meltdown, I thought this would be an interesting piece to post. Cheers Linny, all copywrongs are yours =P

"The assertion that all views are equally valid accompanies an underlying assumption that nothing is absolutely true. In fact this is the only situation in which it does NOT matter what you think, seeing as it wouldn’t be true anyway! Roger Scruton famously said “When someone tells you there is no such thing as truth, they are asking you not to believe them. So don’t.” In other words, if it is true that ‘there is no such thing as truth,’ then it is NOT true that there is no such thing as truth. So the statement is not true!"

Take that relativism.

Illogical Fears

2005-05-20T23:06:00.000+01:00

Part of me hasn't posted in a long time, for fear that my next post wont be able to top off the previous one. Strange.
Its like one battles with an illogical fear of running out of creative ideas.
That once it flows it will never come again.

I think I've hit that rutt. For the time being at least
No more wisecracks coming from this one.
Entering into hibernate mode.

So enjoy what you see here so far.
There might not be more where it came from.

Love Reflections

2005-05-11T18:31:00.000+01:00

Men want to love
Women want to be loved

Its actually as simple as that

This came up as a topic of discussion at a girls group session quite awhile back. I'm struck by the simplicity of those words, and yet how unwilling we are, especially as girls, to come to accept that. Maybe its this culture of independence that perpetuates such stubborness, and no one really wants to make themselves appear vulnerable.

No, I'm not wonderkid, nor do I support extreme womens lib.
I still believe in the good old fashioned, biblical values of a woman's role and relationship with man.

Essentially man and woman, were created to reflect God. Together. Genesis 1:27

Our God is a God of relationships, even He exists as a relationship of 3 in himself. Because only in a relationship, can there be true love between individuals. How dare we call God "a God of love", how dare we call God, "Love", if He exists singularly? Love is relational. So how do we reflect God? How does a couple, together, as male and female reflect Christ?

1. In a relationship, I believe that women ought to submit to men, just as we are meant to submit to God. Eph 5:22-24

Well surprise surprise then.

2. Equally, and even harder, men are called to love their wives, to give their lives up for them, just as Christ did for his church. Eph 5:25-28

Both men and women have different roles. And if you pause and take a look, we are actually programmed for this. Which I believe reflects the reality of those two principles outlined.

I'm sure by now, everyone could go on about how men are from mars and women are from venus. Theres no denying that we are essentially different. We think differently, have different views on life, handle things differently, and we could gripe non-stop on how we never seem to understand each other.

For all those hoping for relationship advice, its this. Men want to love, as Christ did. They want to know that they are needed, they were made to love. Women, want to be loved, just as Christ loves us. They want to be adorable, they want to be adored. Here's where it breaks down, when men feel that their love is not needed, and when women feel insecure about how much they are loved. Thats why guys are afraid of independent headstrong women [yes of which this culture encourages], because they feel as if they are not needed. Similarly, it is also why girls are so desperate in finding out what guys are thinking, because they want to know they are loved. [does this hit reality yet?]

Of course, submission is not something this society would agree entirely with. What about submitting to an abusive husband? Heres the crux, we submit to men in knowing that they would love us, as Christ did, with our best interests at heart. As much as it is hard for men to love us as Christ did, [do realise that its a very very tall order. it means loving us enough to die for us]; it is equally hard for us to submit to men. [I'm sure many would resonate] How often as children of God, do we rebel against submitting our stubborn wills to God? A loving God that we know would never let us down? Yes excuse can be made when we hesitate trusting in human men, because they are falliable; but even then, we have difficulty fulling trusting our loving heavenly father.

It isn't easy both ways.

As a single person then, how does this all fit in? [Yes I do fall into this category, single as opposed to married, single as opposed to attached, either way] In my relationship with Jesus, I learn the virtue of submission. Which prepares me for whoever God has planned for me to submit to in the future. As a guy, one would learn the reality and extent of Jesus' love for His people, and thereby best be able to reflect that love to his future spouse.

How glorious it is to learn these virtues in a perfect relationship we have with our God, and therefore live it out in our lives, as reflections of Him, to point the people around us to Him through our earthly relationships. Radical, but biblical concepts, which the world around us would rather shun than pursue.

Finally, as much as I rebel and say I'd rather been born a guy, or tend to act as a little boy that doesn't want to grow up, I'm really happy to say, I'm glad to be a woman.

Hmm... not yet a woman, but at least a girly girl ;)

ps: isn't it also great to know girlies, that we all desire to be lovable to others, and we forget that we are already so loved by Jesus, the person whose love we're most unworthy of, yet loves us the most. hang in there sweeties!

Escape Mode. On.

2005-05-07T23:38:00.000+01:00

Its times like these when you feel like you have a million things to say,
yet you don't know what you really want to.

Too tired to articulate your own thoughts,
yet anything close to expressing it remains hardly adequate.

Brimming with a dozen emotions,
yet too tired to sift through each one.

Confouded with a ton of questions,
yet knowing you'll never get them answered.

Chalking up a barrel of excuses,
yet acknowledging the insufficiency of each one.

Inching Towards Reality

2005-05-06T22:16:00.000+01:00

Part 2 of the previous post.

From the same film. Here's another gem from the rubble. [I say rubble only because it was a rubbish film, and such a line would have ended up lost in the painful plot]

the world moves for love
it kneels before it in awe

Here's a thought chain to carry on from there

God Is Love. [1 John 1:8]
Jesus is the perfect expression of God's love. [John 3:16]
Everything is created in Jesus, through Jesus, for Jesus. [Col 1:15-20]
All creation was made to worship, and kneel before Jesus. [Psalm 95:6]
The day will come when all will kneel before Jesus in awe. [Phil 2:9-11]

Interesting how the secular world catches a small glimpse of the truth in Jesus, even though they don't even realise it.

The world does move for Love. It does kneel before it in awe. Everything else in life (whether we can see or appreciate it or not), points to that one perfect expression of Love; albeit merely a mirror reflecting God's perfect expression of love through Christ.

Escaping Reality?

2005-05-04T18:05:00.000+01:00

Half truths are found buried in mass culture.

Having had too much time on my hands, and too few people around with the same luxury, I've been spending most of my time watching shows on my laptop. No. I'm no movie buff, more a TV addict. Either way, I haven't been doing this for awhile.

It surprised me to find how subtly the mass media portrays reality. As a wise friend once said, it has just the right amount of fantasy to help us escape, and yet the right tinge of reality to make it seem believable. I buy into this all too often, too often than I ought to.

Which also partially explains why I avoid watching dreamy chick flicks.

Nonetheless, here's one very interesting thought that came from a most unexpected place. Kudos to anyone who actually recognises it.

sometimes we don't do the things we don't want to do,
so that others won't know that we want to do them

How profound.
Couldn't have thought about it or articulated it better myself.

ps: no. i won't be talking about the british elections. my mind draws a blank. its all too intellectual for me. besides, the sg elections are simply summed up in 3 letters. PAP. (what were you thinking?)

Thanksgiving

2005-04-29T19:33:00.000+01:00

Yup exams are finally over. Just one more hurdle left to cross.
Can only give thanks to God for all that He has helped me through, and it was Him alone that sustained me.

Apolgies for not blogging in a long time, cessation of entertainment =P You can do with abit less of eda sometimes. yeah. really.

God is truly faithful, and none better experienced than when meeting Him daily each morning before each exam, with an assurance, though hard to feel, but real and affirming in my head. Also I give thanks for all the wonderful gems of friends that he has provided all around me =)

I give thanks for all....
the awesome brothers that sustain me with grub every evening
the fantastic mates that keep on texting me before each exam
the amazing prayer warriors who have been interceeding relentlessly
the concerned doods that load me up with anti-kermit drinks
the strange neighbours that make sure I don't fall asleep revising
and even the good ole reliable alarm that gets me up in the morning =)

Thanks all you guys, for really truly showing me what God's grace tangibly is. We will now await the results on the 23rd of June...
-shudder-

And now to catch up on the OC (yeah yeah nothing better to do) and some goooood fat sleep that I've been losing over this past week.

God bless ya all!

Motivation to clean-up?

2005-04-11T18:02:00.000+01:00

I just said the oddest thing to a friend.
[the context : just after having taken a shower]
"I reckon I'm the nicest smelling thing in my room now"

Yup. Welcome to warzone.
If anyone sees me online, you're welcome to have a peek via webcam. Aren't you glad they haven't invented smell-o-vision?

OK I'm exaggerating as usual. But it really is in quite a mess. Quite a sight. I think another friend who had the "privilege" of a quick view actually said, "Whoa... are you in the midst of moving?"

Its that bad. And I wonder why I'm announcing it to the world.
Maybe we should have a "my room is the messiest during exam time" competition.

Accepting entries now.
My room stands unchallenged at this point in time.

I think its pretty artistic. But thats my opinion of course.
Yes Mom... I'll clear it soon. Soon.
[just in case people thought my blog was getting pretty boring without pictures. tada!]

Delayed Cringe Reaction 2

2005-04-08T13:19:00.000+01:00

I was determined not to complain about my life situations here.
So much for determination.
I'm bored of studying!! And I haven't even done that much yet.

I reckon the greatest stress/boredom relief I have is singing.
I just pity the people around me who have to put up with it

-cringe-

Whilst happily belting it out in the shower one day, oblivious to the world around me, my acoustically perfect fantasy world was suddenly interrupted.

"Eda, is that you?"
"yeaaaah..."

"Oh, I thought it was you singing, just decided to come up and check"
"Why?"

"Coz I heard you singing from downstairs"
"!"
"Yeah I could hear you through the pipes"

-cringe-

I'm not sure why the fresher on the ground floor [mind you I live on the 3rd] made the effort to come all the way up. Was he just a) merely being inquisitive, b) annoyed with the turbulent water flow and couldn't have a proper shower or c) absolutely traumatised by the singing that he had to stop his shower halfway.

I forgot to ask. In the meantime, I think the pipes continued to howl.

-cringe-

IF

2005-04-07T09:09:00.000+01:00

People often ask whether I'd consider studying anything other than medicine.

Often I say no. I mean it, I love learning about the human body, drugs and diseases etc... Sometimes, I reckon that the joy I derive from studying is the only thing that keeps me going in this course. Ok I admit. I am a nerd.

However, deep down, all too often, my answer is, "yeah... but only IF..."
IF only I had better artistic talent.
IF only I looked better physically.
IF only I could sing better.
IF only I could actually play a musical instrument well.
If only... then I would have taken a different path in life.

Makes me enter covetous mode. Its especially difficult to get out of, for there will always be people who have personalities/styles/talents better than myself. I usually end up in a whirlpool of despair, which I have often fallen into before. This sounds absolutely silly, especially for all you self-assured (or talented) people out there, but I'm sure this would strike a chord with at least a good bunch.

So here's the deal: I'm learning about contentment. Sounds like a simple silly lesson, but I don't think I'm the only one finding it tough to learn. I realise that by not nipping these "seemingly silly and immature" issues in the bud, the IF disease could take hold of the bigger issues in life, like, IF only I had that car, IF only I had that job, IF only I were married... IF IF IF... And I would end up as one unhappy puppy.

Contentment was something the apostle Paul learned and wrote about. No he didn't have the most cushy of lives, but yet he could say "I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need" [Philippians 4:11-12]. And the secret of that contentment? He goes on to say in Philippians 4:13; I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Someone recently helped me reinforce this lesson of contentment. After I had foolishly given the "if-only" answer to the above question, a wise friend replied with, "Well imagine the number of people that think... If only I had the opportunity to study medicine, or if only I were smart enough..." That was rebuke enough! Firstly, I realised that studying medicine wasn't that big a deal, personally. And if anyone thought studying medicine was "that great a deal", I would beg to differ. The grass always looks greener on the other side no?

Secondly, and more importantly, I realised how foolish it was to be grappling after other things, when God has graciously placed me in the position I am in. And I possibly was never thankful enough that I am in such a position. How silly. =/ Instead I hankered after the "if-only"s in my life. Desiring the fading, transient things of creation instead of worshipping and thanking the Creator with what He has given me. How foolish I am, in thinking that getting these would make me a better/more well loved/more secure person.

No... I'm not expecting a million comments to come pouring in and gushing about "Oh but you are such a fantastic person... you don't have to think that way" That would be false humility on my part if I expected that. Rather, I pray that you may truly find your identity in Christ, instead of your physical capabilities, just as I am learning to do. So that even if this all fades away in an instant, your assurance lies in the identity being the child of the one true, unchanging, living God.

Job 1:21b The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.

That being said. I think we should all stop trawling through friendster. Ain't good.

Delayed Cringe Reaction

2005-04-06T10:26:00.000+01:00

-cringe-

Upon listening again to the recordings of a certain previous singing performance. There's only one action I can muster.

-cringe-

Serves me right for being bored enough to dig it up again. Looks like things don't ever change.
And how did I actually think it was a good performance then?

-cringe-

Maybe thats what the adrenaline on stage does to you. Distorts your ability to make judgement calls. But isn't there an increase in adrenaline when you are deciding to fight or flight. Oh dear.

-cringe-

Say-ings

2005-04-05T21:18:00.000+01:00

Here's one to prove my neuroticism.

Some people wonder when they can ever shut me up. On surface inspection, here's an observation I made.

Times when I say absolutely nothing
When the person next to me says way too much.
When the person next to me is running.

Times when I say absolutely anything and everything
When the person next to me says way too much.
When the person next to me says nothing.
When the person next to me is more than a mere acquaintance.

Times when I could really go either way
When I'm desperately trying to impress the person next to me.

No wonder I say too much.
What does this say about me.

Hmm... does this resonate with anyone? Or am I seriously falling into neurosis =P

Punk'd

2005-04-01T09:24:00.000+01:00

I like that word.
But I must admit, as much as I wish to become/be known as a prankster, I don't have the creativity nor the skills to be one. Unbelievable? I suppose it depends on what context people have come to know me. Ooh... but the adrenaline rush to be able to pull a prank. Strange.

This is what the world thinks of prank-sters. On doing an "interesting" survey the BBC has online, together with the character traits of high levels of arousal (need for excitement.. thrill rides, horror movies), the need for novelty and vanity (looking in the mirror), it also uses your tendency to play cruel practical jokes on people to score the likelihood and possibility of how faithful you will be in your marriage. Hmm... albeit the BBC does have some strange quizzes, one of which fitted me in a category of having an androgynous brain, it does set one thinking about the true nature of pranking.

I do question my motives for prank-ing people. Do I just do it to make them look dumb, and make myself look good? How often do I compromise someone else's dignity when it comes to cracking a joke to make the whole room laugh?

To all those charges, I answer : Guilty.

Its hard not to tell a joke at someone else's expense; its even harder to tell it at your own.

Maybe it stems from pride. A need to show up better amongst others? I realised that I'd received the wrong end of the stick whilst growing up. Didn't really occur to me, until some hidden memories, possibly painfully repressed, came popping up during Word Alive. Believe you me, it isn't nice to be made fun of, even the "harmless" jibing. Singlish even has a special term for it: "suan"-ing. Just goes to show how innate it is within our culture to do so. [-shudder-]

Maybe its time we put things into perspective, and question what we've come to accept as norms. Even "cultural" norms. I've always struggled with Ephesians 5:4. Just as Paul was admonishing the Church in Ephesus to be set apart, different, and to walk in the ways of holiness. He curiously lists "foolish talking and coarse jesting" as part of the many things we should put away as God's children. Have we been playing down the true effects of such "harmless activites"?

No this isn't me getting all holier-than-thou. I struggle with this as well! Especially in the words I say. But rather than deny and cover-up, lets admit to what it really is, and what it does do to others. And maybe we can gain a little more respect, rather than lose it, the next time we crack a joke.

Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.

Have a good April Fools... but take it easy guys ;)

Lonliness vs Solitude

2005-03-30T23:16:00.000+01:00

Dunked close to 4 litres of water.
In the middle of a crunchy nut binge.
Files and books strewn all over the floor.
Daffodils attempting to brighten up the room.
Clean sheets on an unmade bed beckons.

Why is it people feel so far removed from the world during the holidays? Maybe its the effect semi-vacant halls of residences have on stressed exam-panicky students. I do need some perspective thrown on me now.

Walked back late from the tube. The streetlights are down at the intersection. Its that sort of situation where mom would frown upon, but I have no choice do I? The price of independence. Takes some getting used to. Its the sort of thing one takes for granted in the all-too-safe haven of sunny s'pore.

Even then, where I am now, I'm glad about it.
The Lord has put me here for a reason.
Possibly to learn about solitude in Him despite all this apparent lonliness Romans 8:28

Disclaimer; Conforming

2005-03-30T10:41:00.000+01:00

I did attempt at blogging once before.
Did 2 posts, realised no one was really going to bother, didn't put the effort into keeping it up, and it grew mouldy and grey. If blogs could ever grow.

A renewed attempt at reviving a once lost vision? Possibly. But don't ask me what my mission and aims are for this, I haven't quite sorted that one out.

I've got a feeling it'll start off as a sounding board, especially when one is cooped up in the hall, having had no form of human contact in days. [yeah thats me, the hermit... can anyone identify with that?] It might then morph into the place where I can spare my friends from the million things I wish to share with them on msn. And whatever it transforms itself into after that, I bear full responsibility. Though I must say, it is quite an exciting experiment. Spontaneous combustion anyone?

Before ending this disclaimer, I must add that I don't desire for this to become a replacement for true human contact. (ok so msn isn't true human contact.... but you get my drift) I will strive never to tell someone "I'm too tired to repeat myself... go read my blog". I respect all of you more than that. This is not a replacement for "finding out how she's doing without ever having to ask".

Whats posted may reflect the situations I'm in, but it'll more likely be a spot for random thoughts that pop into my head, which I might never ever find the context to tell others about. But read, and do come back to me. I would really appreciate it.

I told you, I'm finally giving in, I'm conforming.